do you ponder the manner of things?
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: "It's funny," Sam says, even though it's really not. "When I was soulless, I wouldn't have hesitated to do what Cas did." Tag to 13x14, Good Intentions


**A/N: Title from Glitter & Gold by Barns Courtney**

* * *

Dean finds him later, beers in hand. Sam's trying to read into the ingredients of the spell, but apparently even the Men of Letters have limits on their knowledge of obscure spells to open doors to other worlds.

Sitting down, Dean slides a beer over to him, but Sam ignores it. He can feel Dean's eyes on him from the seat opposite, but he ignores that too, praying his brother will just stay silent.

"You alright?"

No such luck, then.

Sam shrugs, turns another page "Fine," he says shortly.

" _Dude,_ " Dean sighs, and it's that voice, the one that just completely done with Sam's bullshit.

Sam sighs, too, and sits back in his chair, pushing the book away. Not like he was reading it anyway. "It's funny," he says, even though it's _really fucking not._ "When I was soulless, I wouldn't have even hesitated to do what Cas did, you know?"

Dean leans his chin in his hands. He looks tired, Sam notices. "What's your point?" he mumbles.

Sam hesitates for a second, then shifts in his chair. "I don't know, man," he confesses. "I guess... What if Cas was right? I mean, that _was_ the easiest way we could get the spell. And, besides, Donatello was soulless. So- So maybe it was only a matter of time before he snapped anyway."

"What, so he deserves to be brain-dead just because he had no soul?" Dean asks accusingly.

"No, of course not, Dean. I'm just saying..."

"What?"

"Alright, look. I'm not saying what Cas did was okay, or whatever. Of course I'm not. But Donatello _was_ dangerous, and we couldn't exactly keep him locked up down there forever." Sam sits back, knowing he's not going to convince Dean of anything he's saying. Hell, he's barely convinced himself, there's no way he could get his brother to understand.

"We could have tried!" Dean argues, true to form.

"No, Dean, we couldn't have," Sam says tiredly. "He would have found a way to get out, trust me."

"And then we would have dealt with him. Come on, Sam, the guy's like 60, we could have taken him."

"Like we did in the dungeon?" Sam challenges. "Look at every other soulless person we knew. They turned violent almost straight away, including me"

"You weren't that bad," Dean protests.

"Really?" Sam scoffs. I let you get turned by that vamp. I killed innocent people because they were in the way. I did whatever I thought was necessary, and didn't even care about the consequences. Donatello would be the same, except he's powered up with the Demon Tablet. So tell me, what could we have done to stop him?"

Sam shakes his head, sighing. Part of him wishes he'd never opened his mouth, but it's too late to turn back now. A headache begins to build, so he rubs at his temples, wincing as he brushing over the bruising from where Donatello had hit him. _More proof_ , he thinks.

Dean notices the movement. "How's the head," he asks a little too casually, taking a swig of his beer.

"Fine," Sam says again, knowing he's not fooling anybody.

Dean raises his eyebrows. "Yeah, okay," he sighs, pushing back his chair and standing. He turns to leave, but pauses a second. "Look, man..." he starts, then shakes his head. "You're obviously tired. Get some sleep, alright?"

Sam makes a noncommittal noise of agreement, then looks back to the book as Dean leaves. Soulless or not, Donatello had been a good guy, and he hates himself for agreeing with Cas. But he understands why Cas did what he did, and the only thing he can do now is make sure none of it was in vain.

* * *

 **A/N: I apologise for this, I know it makes no sense. There was just a lot of talk of soullessness in the episode and I wanted to look at Sam's thoughts on it all because he was blurred in the background for that entire last scene which irritated me and made sure we couldn't actually tell what he was thinking. Thank you for reading, and please leave a review if you have a moment!**


End file.
